You see the tiny finger smears of food on my leggings, the crap covering my kitchen floor- lets be honest my entire house-, and that glass that needs a heavier pour?
Did you notice I’m sitting on my kitchen floor next to said glass, hiding from my children. I got up from the dinner table, walked into the other room, and had a quick cry/scream into the stacks of laundry I need to put away that are cluttering my dining room table.I then headed back to the kitchen like nothing happened. Some nights I just need a minute, and tonight was one of those nights.
I asked my husband to head upstairs to bathe the boys while I cleaned up dinner and the kitchen in silence. If you have kids, especially two boys, you know there is no such thing as silence, so I will call it muffled peace. Then I poured myself a glass of wine and sank to the kitchen floor, my back against the cabinets I haven’t wiped down in a month, and took a big long swig as another group of tears welled in my eyes.
Im sure in your head you’re asking me ” what is your problem lady?”, but I wouldn’t have an answer for you..at least not a direct one. Being a mom has been super hard on me lately, and I normally wouldn’t admit that, but I know I’m not the only one.
I’m not handling the threenager stage well..AT ALL! Every single night without fail I look my husband in the eyes and say “IM DONE.. I don’t know what to do with him anymore”. Its hard, and I’m mentally and physically exhausted by it.
Then theres the cleaning, all the dang cleaning. I miss the days when I thought our house was dirty because there was an empty cocktail glass on the coffee table. Fast forward 3 years and I’d be lying if I didn’t spend 75% of my day cleaning..and when my husband gets home I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I will never catch up.
Im just going to skip the laundry talk, because lets be honest that is a lost cause.
I’m going through a rough phase of mom-guilt, because I look back on how “advanced” Clayton was at Austin’s age now and I feel like I’m failing him. I also feel like I didn’t spend enough time with JUST him, focusing on him, breathing him in as a little baby, because as only a few of you may know…we’re done having children. ( I know this isn’t 100% but you know what I mean-snip snip)
Then theres the wife-guilt…is that even a thing?..oh well I’m making it a thing. Lately I have had this feeling that I need to go back to work. Mainly because my children have been driving me bonkers lately, but also because I all of a sudden am money hungry. I know that sounds bad but there are just things I want to do to our home, things I want to buy, places I want to go,etc… and while I know we can do it all we can’t do it all RIGHT NOW without a little bit of thought.
Insert this blog, and a few other things I’m trying to tackle, and I am kind of drowning trying to make myself feel like I am contributing. I’ll be honest it has all been a lot more than I anticipated, so bare with me.
Basically what I am getting at is lately I have kind of fallen into the trap of comparing myself to other bloggers, other moms, other families, and I know that others can relate. So let me share a little something from today…
I had someone message me on Instagram that I shouldn’t complain or need time to myself because I don’t work. I had mentioned I was taking a little time to myself and told Clayton to leave me alone..didn’t know it was a crime.
Normally I don’t let stupid stuff like that bother me, but today I did and after thinking about it I felt like maybe it was bothering me because I had all of this on my chest and needed to get it out. So here I am airing out my feelings, showing you my flaws..and my dirty house, and hopefully letting at least one of you know that its okay to not be okay. Sometimes we just need a minute.
We are not alone in this joUrney together. Some days will be So much better and some days will be so much worse. If yoh ever need a wine night or a toddler play date, ill be over here dRowning in The laundry and guilt with ya.
Yes, wine and whine soon!
This was a really good read! You are truly a strong mom and wife. You go glen coco!
I’m so glad you liked it, and thanks girl..means a lot!
Girl. Ive been there. We do all need a minute and sometimes a minute doesn’t cut it. I hope today is better.
YESSS, sometimes we need a lot of minutes!
You mean you are human? There will always be laundry. When my kids were little, My PHILOSOPHY was : When in doubt, start a loAd of laundry, or take a shower. You cant go wrong with either and you will feel like you accoMplished something. Some days are better than others. The one thing you can count on is Things change. So smile and take take minute for yourself.
Thats a perfect philosophy, I’m gonna try that!
Don’t wirry about what Others say! They do ‘t walk in your shoes! You may not Leave the house to gi to a job, but ket me tell you…you work just a hard as most that Have a “job” OUTSIDE Of the home. being a mom—is a hard and sometimes —not so rewarding— job. You hear people complain how they get all tgd crappy jobs at work. Well, Who dO you think gets those “crappy” jobs at home??? the mom dOes — thats you! So yes!! Sometimes you do ”Just need a minute!”
Amen! Taking all the minutes!
I am not a mom, but I have always said that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. As someone who doesn’t have kids, who always thought she would be a mom, i’d be lying if i said that i don’t enjoy my kid free home. While being a aren’t is so fulfilling, I don’t think that we as a society talk about how hard it truly is… the mental, emotional, and physical aspects that make it so hard. You’re doing a great job… and amazing job. And it’s definitely ok to not be ok! Again, I don’t have kids and there are plenty of times that I am mroe than thankful for that, but i also find myself comparing my struggles to those of mom’s, or being compared to mom’s, because “[I] don’t truly know the meaning of tired until [i’ve] had kids…” (insert eye roll).. We all have struggles, we all have days that we need a minute and I find comfort in your writing and honesty about the things that we tend to think “shouldn’t be shared”… I’m a firm believer in feeling what you feel, not always playing the happy role and letting yourself express whats ging on, even if that means tears and being a crab some days. You have to allow yourself to feel the bad… then, pick yourself up, dust off the crumbs (dog hair in my case!), adjust your crown and keep being the badda$$ that you are. You’ve got this!
You are one of my biggest cheerleaders through this process, you are the bada$$ girl!
I struggle with wife guilt, too, on occasion. Always feeling like I could do more or contribute more. I think it’s a female thing, and I’m sure I will struggle with mom guilt, too, when my little one arrives. I’m not a mom, yet, but it doesn’t take a much to see that MOMMING is hard…SO there should not be any room for judgement. We’re all in this together. Cheers mama!!
Yes girl! We all go through it! Cheers!
I love everything about this post! Don’t worry about the haters. I think your super Relatable and You keep it real. Being a stay at home Mom is a full time job with little breaks! Don’t blame yourself for needing some time alone- you have earned me time!!
You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say I’m relatable, because thats what I want out of this platform. I know its nice feeling like you aren’t the only one struggling!
Love this post and can so RELATE! I love your honesty. Being a mom is hard AF and we all need a minute. Ive been both a working mom and SAHM in the last year and a lot of times i felt like working was easier. At least for me. SAHM is one tough, thankless job. Love folLOwing you and love Your openness.
Amen mama, I think staying home and working both comes with all the struggles. There is really no better option for anyone, its all WORK! Thank for the sweet words, and for following along. It means the world to me!